It seems as though we now live in a society and time when people don’t have or take the opportunity to communicate face to face like we did pre-internet days. Phones, emails and texting have reduced and often eliminate the need to interact directly with a person, in person. And along with the disappearance of face to face interaction, goes eye contact – a very important communication tool, that without, our social skills and interactions lack a great deal.
It’s true, women are better at eye contact than men, which is actually a design of nature; so don’t beat yourself up too much. It has something to do with men’s level of testosterone: apparently, the more you have the less eye contact you make; even as babies. Still, even though we may have a legitimate excuse, testosterone is not a good enough reason for avoidance. Everyday of our lives, we’re expected to rise above our animal nature and act civilized… and making eye contact is no exception.
I’ve noticed this isn’t just a problem for young men, but for men of all ages. Like other issues modern men have overcome, making and keeping eye contact while communicating is a priceless way of enriching our lives and enhancing our image. From our significant other to the cashier at the grocery store; eye contact holds an incredible amount of power.
Eyes are very expressive and reveal a lot of information about us. Other than the obvious reasons we have eyes, nature intended us to use them for preservation reasons, as well. Along with our mouths, eyes are meant to exchange thoughts between us. In earlier days, humans would use their eyes to alert others of danger, food, love, sickness, sex, etc. Think about all the non-verbal communication you can express with your eyes. We may have a disadvantage being male, but improving your eye contact skills will prove beneficial across the board and in every arena.
Let’s take a look (no pun intended) at how we’re perceived when making eye contact
- personable, warm, and approachable
- confident and assured
- dominant and authoritative
- trustworthy and honest
- competent and valuable
- comfortable and relaxed
- sincere and earnest
- direct, upfront and open
- likable and friendly
- strong and stable
- emotionally available
We give many subliminal messages to others when we look them in the eye. Fortunately, most of the messages are positive, and can benefit us immensely in both our personal and professional lives. We are taken more seriously, and as a result can better land a job or a date when we show we’re not intimidated or afraid to connect. Not only do others feel better about interacting with us, the actual quality of the interaction is greater because a real connection has been made. This small gesture seems simple, but it packs a big wallop.
So, other than testosterone, why is something so simple, so difficult for many of us to do? Aside from not having the level of confidence we often need, like I said earlier, our eyes have a lot to say about us by revealing what’s going on inside our heads. This can make us feel very vulnerable and exposed; with a desire to protect ourselves. We often avoid eye contact when we don’t want people to take a closer look at us for one reason or another. Granted, avoiding eye contact can be advantageous at times, but overall, it makes us look evasive and shady, and does not put the other person at ease.
The ability to make and keep eye contact when having a conversation with someone, listening to them speak, or when simply saying thank you, encourages a connection and puts you in sync with the person. In this day and age, when people have forgotten how impolite it is to glance at a screen or cell phone during a conversation; giving someone your full attention will be noticed and appreciated.
I realize it’s not easy to make this sort of change, so I’ll address ways to make eye contact in another article. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to practice. Start by looking at your partner while she or he is speaking… even if you’re watching the big game, or look into the eyes of the mailman when he hands you your mail. For every action there’s a reaction, and you’ll be surprised to see how others respond. Your life will become richer by having more rewarding interpersonal relationships, while you get to look like a great guy!
by Aaron Marino
