The unfashionable man – we all know at least one, and, God love ‘em, most of them walk around without even the slightest vestiges of a clue about just how ridiculous they look, because in their mind, they look good. Damned good.
I can only imagine the inner dialogue that must be running through their heads as they don their pooka shell and/or leather strap necklace, throw on that horrible Ed Hardy or Affliction shirt and pair it with their ill advised ripped jeans. Not tastefully distressed jeans. Ripped. As in they have more holes than a Bangkok brothel. I bet it goes something along the lines of “Dayummm…this shirt really hugs up on me. Look at my pecs in this! The ladies are gonna love this. I am a beast!!”
But, for all their inner bravado, the sad truth is that they look like an ass clown. They strut by and women look upon them in awe, alright, as in “Aw hell no! What is that boy wearing?” As they pass, they are followed by exactly two things – the hushed snickering of the ladies they’d hope to impress, and the horrible stench of Axe Body Spray. Now, most of these guys are perfectly cool human beings, and when you just wanna chill, watch a game, and talk some testosterone fueled shit, they’re your boys. However, when it comes to putting forth their best face and attracting women of a quality that exceeds that of the average sorority girl or club rat, these men are clueless. They wouldn’t know a loafer from a wingtip, a blazer from a suit jacket, or how to properly layer colors, fabric types, and patterns, let alone properly accessorize any of it, if their lives depended on it.
If you’re like me, when you see these guys, you have an instinctual reaction that makes you want to reach out and help them. You want to show them a better way, and help them be their best. You want to show them that it’s okay to explore clothing options not typically favored by frat boys and self delusional middle aged men. It’s okay to feel that way, HOWEVER, if you have any common sense, you won’t. Why? Go to any club, bar, or social scene and look around, and you’ll notice quickly that the well dressed man is always in the minority. Subsequently, he is also usually surrounded by higher quality company. He knows that appearance is everything, and that the man who takes the time to learn what works or doesn’t work for him has a leg up on the competition, so to speak.
Social scenes are a battlefield, and in any battle the team with the better weaponry wins. To illustrate, some months ago I and some of my friends went to a club for a night of frivolity and alcohol fueled debauchery. As we arrived, the place was packed to the rafters, and 90% of the men present were decked out in basically the same uniform comprised of the earlier mentioned articles of clothing. Me? Great fitting dark denim jeans, dark pinstriped blazer, white fitted dress shirt with the top button undone for comfort, and amazing black leather loafers. Yeah, I said loafers. In a casual setting, they can look great, so don’t even try me on this issue. Couple my amazing outfit with the sexy as hell Mandarina Duck Pure Black cologne with which I’d sprayed myself (2 sprays, fellas, anything more is overkill!) and I had elevated myself to a different plateau, and it was noticed.
Now, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you I was wading neck deep in a pile of naked hottie flesh all night, but I definitely stood apart, was noticed, and was dressed so fly (I’m an 80s kid, sue me) even the other guys were commenting on how put together I was. By the way, I did not go home or to bed alone that night, as many others did. My crisp image enhanced my confidence, which as we all know is the number one thing to which people are drawn. Now, had most of the other guys been dressed half as well as I, I would have probably gone home solo, because I was nowhere nearly as buff or nice looking as a lot of them. I just took more time to take care of my look than they. Had they been dressed well, I wouldn’t have been able to set a higher bar. But they weren’t, and I did, so I won where most of them lost.
So, God bless unfashionable men, I say! I thank them for dressing like a putz because even though I look great anyway, standing next to them my stock rockets up even higher! I thank them for mindlessly flocking to those wretched pink Polo style shirts and leaving those great cardigans, blazers, and long sleeved casual dress shirts hanging on the rack behind them, because when they don’t move, they get marked down and I get better deals , so not only do fashion backward men help me look better than most, they help me to do it for less money! Could I help them? Yeah. Should I help them? Maybe. Am I going to make a practice of doing so? Hey, I’m a nice guy, but I’m not that noble. ;)
by Chance A. White