Divorce. No matter what, it’s never pretty. It may solve some problems and improve life conditions, but it’s never without pain, adjustment, or emotional turmoil, and it’s even worse if kids are involved.
Although I’ve never been divorced, I am the child of divorced parents, and remember what they both went through while trying to reshape their lives. It took many years for my father to remarry, but my mother felt a need to do it three more times. So, I’ve seen lots of women and men come and go, and witnessed the ups and downs they both went through trying to fill their partner-less void while dating.
One thing I noticed was they both went through similar situations and problems, with one exception. My mother, being the parent I lived with, was dating for both of us. She had to find men whom she believed would be suitable and acceptable for us both. I recall her saying a date was more like a job interview. Like so many single mothers, she had to size the guys up based on them being both a prospective husband and father. Obviously, it wasn’t easy, based on her number of failed marriages. I’m not sure what all she’s learned from these experiences, but I sure learned a lot, which I’d like to share.
Let me start by saying, the issues of post-divorce dating are pretty universal – so you’re not alone. Regardless of the circumstances, attempting to present your best at a time when many are at their worst is no easy task. Here is some insight and advice, pulled from both personal experience, the observation of others, and what many divorced members have told me that may assist you during this new chapter of life.
1. Relax and take your time.
Coming home to an empty house, or ordering take-out for one can zap the confidence and emotional strength from a guy quicker than most anything when newly divorced. It’s not easy being single again, and it’s normal to feel like you’re in the twilight zone. It’s also normal to make some choices that may not be in our best interest, like dating to sooth the pain. There’s nothing like the rush of adrenaline and hormones to ease this sad and lonely time. Although getting back up on the horse as quickly as possible is probably the best medicine, doing it prematurely can prove disastrous. If a guy’s not ready to make a fresh start that’s void of lingering issues, it’s honestly best not to try.
Whether you initiated the divorce or not, there’s always a lot of baggage to content with. The way you wouldn’t attempt to drive a car without fuel; dating when your head’s not straight and your heart’s not ready is only asking for disappointment and failure. Even though everyone is entitled to learn from their own experiences and mistakes, if you can heed the warning… wait until there’s gas in your tank.
In the meantime, hanging out with friends, joining new clubs and activities, and finding new hobbies are some ways to stay busy while healing. Discovering ways to be comfortable and content by yourself is another healthy and valuable thing to do, so don’t be afraid of the alone times. This is “you” time, so use it to regroup and become stronger by standing on your own two feet, versus leaning on a woman. Be fair to yourself and others by dating only when you’re certain life is stable and sane. After all, you can’t give something away you don’t have, so relax and have faith there will be better days ahead.
2. You’re ready!
You’ve decided it’s time to put yourself out there again. Life is better and you’ve finally crawled out of the hole called “divorce”. This doesn’t necessarily mean all your divorce related troubles are over, but things have normalized enough that you feel human again and are ready to jump back into the dating scene. But, how? How do people date in 2012?
If you’ve had the old ball and chain on for a long time, you may find yourself like a fish out of water. Sure, people still meet each other the way they always have: work, the gym, a club, blind dates, etc., but due to the internet and our overly busy lives, many guys depend on “online dating” nowadays. Once considered embarrassing and humiliating by many, online dating has become as common and acceptable as any other means of meeting people. It has expanded our options like nothing else has, and is proving to be more successful than ever. (Check out my online dating services in the dating section.)
3. Options.
We all have our dream girl in mind. We all have preferences, likes and dislikes, when it comes to who and what we’re attracted to. However, this new lease on life may just be the time to expand your horizons by letting go of preconceived notions of your perfect woman. The sky’s the limit with dating in 2012! Restrictions and requirements once set by society no longer exist, and anyone can date anyone they want… provided it’s legal! Men can date women of any age, nationality, and status, and are having fun doing it. So, open the door to the “world” of women and partake. After all, variety is the spice of life!
I’d like to interject something that hits home for me regarding your choice in women. If she’s a mother, be honest with yourself before asking her for a date, as to whether you’re okay with her having kids or not. Seriously, figure this out before you get involved. Kids turn dating a women into dating a family, so if you’re not up for it, avoid it – no matter how hot she is. And if you have kids, make sure you’re with someone who accepts them. No need to settle, my man… this sea is very large!
4. Wardrobe.
Nothing spurs the desire for new clothes like being fresh on the market again! Suddenly, this new emergence has given way to the need of presenting the best possible you, so out with the old and in with the new! Yesterday’s fashions have no place in today’s competitive world, so clear out what needs to go, and replace old, worn out clothing with new, current styles that enhance and compliment your body type and lifestyle. I promise… you’ll feel and act like a million bucks!
5. Get Physical!
Possibly the most motivated group I’ve ever seen, post-divorce men hit the gym in droves, looking to maximize their appeal by working out and losing weight. Not only do we want to look our best, but we all know how a fit body promotes good self-esteem and image. So, don’t overlook this very important aspect of dating. Like you, women will be more attracted to a guy that takes pride in his appearance.
6. Grooming.
Gentlemen, this is more important than clothing. Fashion can be overlooked at times, but looking sloppy and unkempt can’t. If you want to get noticed for the right reasons, pay attention to cleansing, body hair both above and below the neck, skin quality, oral health, body odor, and nail care. If you have any issues like athletes foot, nail fungus, bad breath, etc., take care of it. Your goal is to look your best. It’s easy during hard or depressing times to let ourselves go. If you lack motivation to “clean up”, start by addressing just one aspect – a haircut, pedicure, manscaping, etc. I promise it will lift your spirits and encourage further grooming.
Divorce is an extremely stressful time when many men find themselves lost in their new life. Trust me – you will rise like a phoenix from the ashes and be happy once again! In the meantime, hang in there and enjoy the journey. Whether you want to eventually remarry or remain a bachelor, there is light at the end of this tunnel!
